April 2011
1 post
Plane-Hole 2011
Chris: Have you been following Plane-Hole '11?
Me: The SWA flight? Yeah, it was a big ole' hole!
Chris: Do you think the captain made a joke? "Folks, it's a nice day, so we put the top down. Enjoy the flight."
Me: Probably. It's Southwest Airlines.
October 2010
3 posts
Dashed hopes and recyclables.
Chris: There is a man at school going through our garbage.
Me: He's only going to find dashed hopes in there.
Chris: And cans, apparently. "Hey! Maybe the rest of us would like some cans!"
Respect the crust.
Chris: I don't know if I'll ever trust those miners underground again.
Me: If they were better that earth wouldn't wouldn't have shifted.
Chris: Exactly. If they're not going to take the Earth's crust seriously, then they need to find other employment.
Chris: Just proof that you have to take Earth's crust seriously.
Trangate
Me: Is 6th St. now 6ixth St.?
Chris: More like Sexth Street, amirite?
Me: I wouldn't know. I stopped going after those trannies were busted stealing wallets.
Chris: Ah. Trangate.
January 2010
1 post
Dammit, that's what old light does.
Chris: Care for an amazing fact about Earth's sun?
Me: Sure!
Chris: Do you know how photons (in the form of light) strike you when you walk outside?
Me: Right. They don't hurt though.
Chris: Those photons are 1.2 million years old. You're being struck by OLD LIGHT!
Chris: And, you're destroying them, killer.
Me: They hit me. They destroyed themselves.
Chris: You don't feel the slightest remorse?
Me: Not really. Screw 'em I say!
Chris: You're dabbling in forces you don't completely understand.
Me: What would you have me do? Send them fruit baskets?
Me: "Sorry for absorbing you. — Love Marvin"
December 2009
1 post
Sweep the leg.
Chris: Do you know what mercy is for? The weak.
Me: I ... I knew that.
Chris: And what do enemies not deserve?
Me: Mercy.
Chris: Right! *sweeps your leg*
Me: Aww aww!
September 2009
5 posts
New contractor.
Me: How many wonderful additions do you think Matt Roloff would make to the office if he was hired as contractor?
Chris: "Tiny copiers!"
Chris: What'd be funny, though, is when we'd heard a surprised squeal and a splash coming from the bathroom. Then we'd have to fish a drenched and pantsless Roloff from the toilet.
Me: Haha
Chris: Unless he carries a lil' grapnel gun with him for just such an emergency.
Me: He very well may. He is Matt Roloff.
Chris: *splash*
Chris: *BANG! Fwoosh-fwhoosh-fwoosh -- chink!*
Chris: *whrrrrrrrrrrrr!*
Chris: "Boy, we really need a narrower-mouthed toilet in there!" *walks away, leaving wet footprints.
Me: I still submit we'd come to work one day to find the office surrounded by a moat and the front door would be a draw-bridge.
Laostown.
Chris: Let's start a Chinatown™ in Marble Falls.
Me: Like a full on 5-6 block area full up with open-air markets, steaming pot holes, narrow alleyways and restaurants owned by ninja gangs?
Chris: Yes! And dead animals hanging by strings at market.
Me: I like this idea.
Chris: But let's call it "Laostown" or something, just to be different.
August 2009
5 posts
Family Vacation.
Me: I kinda like the show (18 kids and counting), the Duggars go on cool vacations.
Chris: Yeah, to preach the word.
Inappropriate hurricanes.
Chris: There's an angry lil' hurricane off the east coast.
Me: I saw that. What's it doing presently?
Chris: Trying to hump Maine.
Taking initiative.
Chris: Pizza time!!
Me: Yeah! Righteous!
Chris: Let's shred the Shredder!!!
Me: Bodacious!
Chris: *slices your arm off with a katana*
Me: Hey!
Chris: Master Splinter gave me a sword, dude!
Me: Did he tell you to *wince* lop my arm off?
Chris: I took ninja initiative.
Me: To attack one of your own? Great initiative, dick.
Chris: You were holding a sai. I thought you were an enemy.
Me: I'm changing my weapon of choice to an Armalite M4A1 Carbine. I will shoot you in the face with it.
Chris: I'm changing my weapon of choice to a Scud missile.
Chris: *scuds you*
Me: I'm changing my weapon of choice to a ground-to-air missile.
Me: *splodes your scud*
Chris: I'm changing my weapon of choice to an anti-matter bomb exactly the size of half the Earth.
Chris: *cancels out the Earth*
Me: I'm changing my weapon of choice to the Sun.
Me: *roams around killing everything*
Chris: I'm changing my weapon of choice to the Power of Almighty God.
Chris: *rights all wrongs in the world*
Me: I lose.
Chris: But you won by learning a valuable lesson.
Oompa-Loompa Moving Co.™
Chris: What if gangs of Oompa-Loompas™ show up and move Julie and I to our new apartment?
Me: And then at the end they come and scoop you two up and carry you inside.
Chris: Singing a song all the while. Though I can't imagine what the lyrics might be.
Me: Oh, I could probably think of something.
Chris: I bet you could. Because you...you've got the touch.
Chris: "Oompa-Loompa-Oompitty-Dabartment: It's never too easy to move an apartment."
Me: "Tv's, couches and kittenses too. If we are wise we'll let them go poo."
Chris: "What would you say if I told you I'm gay?"
Me: "You'd likely brain me in the skull with some clay."
Chris: This song sucks.
Me: Agreed
Name game.
Chris: If you had a Cylon Centurion, what would you name him?
Marvin: Brayden.
Chris: Ooh, very good.
Marvin: Kinda new wave, ya know?
Chris: I'd go with MacKeynzey.
July 2009
3 posts
I'll go "Robot Jox" on your ass.
Me: I rented that movie atleast once a month when I was little, for like two years.
Chris: Did the rental clerk ever accuse you of being a "big gay?"
Me: Hey, screw you, it's a good movie!
Essentials.
Chris: If we have room, I'd like a lil' info box to go with the story. Probably a short list of hurricane supplies.
Chris: Flashlights, bottled water, nunchuckus, that sort of thing.
Me: That could be done. For a small fee.
Chris: My usual rates of "I won't stab you in the neck with a scissors" still applies.
Thanks, bro.
Me: Page 2 stuff is in.
Chris: Thanks, Broman.
Me: You're welcome.
Chris: The Broman Empire™
Me: The Brottoman Empire™
Chris: The Broviet Union™
Me: The Bronary Islands™
Chris: The Democratic Republic of Brozil™
Me: Brodagascar™
Chris: Wybroming™
Me: Brostralia™
Chris: Brohio™
Me: Broregon™
Chris: The Presbrotyrian Church™
June 2009
5 posts
Celebrity Devastator.
Chris: What if Farrah and Michael merged?
Me: To form Devastator?
Chris: Yes. With Ed McMahon at its head.
Me: That would truly be a sight to behold.
Chris: Incredible, yet terrifying at the same time.
Tramp stamps.
Chris: Let's get back tattoos.
Me: Depending on the location, these could be considered tramp stamps.
Chris: I want them across our shoulder blades. I'll get Jon, and you get Kate. But Kate will be crying.
Me: Like, lifesize?
Chris: I don't know about lifesize. But pretty big.
Chris: And below their faces, I can have the word "PLUS" and you can have "EIGHT." Then we'll stand side to side for the complete effect.
Me: In two years this tattoo will be mostly irrelevant, and ultimately a mistake.
Chris: But for those two years, we will have untold glory! GLORY!!
Cat and mouse.
Me: I kinda wish they hadn't hung Saddam.
Chris: Hanged. And why?
Me: I miss him.
Chris: He was a devilish rogue.
Me: He was. But gosh he was funny. I quite miss his anecdotes at dinner.
Chris: Ah, yes. The cat-and-mouse game of wits, where first prize was your life.
Me: I was always a winner.
Me: He even gave me one of his prized, golden AK-47s.
Chris: I once ordered the summary execution of Tajikistan.
Me: The whole country?
Chris: He chuckled and said, "My dear Porter. One thing at a time." Then he shot his butler.
Memorial fist.
Chris: Ray said Thomas caught you watching porno on my computer.
Me: That is untrue. I was merely searching out a suitable wallpaper for your computer.
Me: Some of the images I found were questionable.
Chris: I see. Hang on while I kick Ray's ass for lying.
--- 5 min. later ---
Chris: Okay, he's done learning.
Me: Good.
Chris: He sure cries easy.
Me: Some people do. Especially when they're on the business end of a 2x4.
Chris: Or my fists, "Hitty" and "Sir Arthur Moore."
Me: I've not named mine.
Chris: "Gristle," and "Chris Porter Memorial Fist."
Weecakes.
Chris: Item: Someone left a yellow in the toilet, and the weecake is missing from the urinal. What did you do with it?
Me: With what?
Chris: The weecake.
Me: I didn't do anything with it, honest.
Chris: You didn't eat it?
Me: Negative. I wizzed on it.
Me: Perhaps it was just it's time.
Chris: It seemed fine when I saw it last.
Me: Well, last time I checked, you were not a doctor.
May 2009
3 posts
It's murd-ah!
Me: You should go to IKEA.
Chris: Or Craigslist.
Me: No, you'll get murdered.
Chris: Oh, just a little.
Me: A little murder can kill you.
I don't like your tone.
Chris: Which photos you using, ho?
Me: Start over.
Chris: Ho: Which photos are you using?
Me: Third time's a charm...go.
Chris: Tell me which photos you're going to use, before I release a swarm of scorpions at you.
Me: 2 and 4b. Shit.
Of souls and mech suits.
Me: Congratulations on your nephew making it this far. However, he still has a ways to go.
Chris: Very true. He has not yet proven himself.
Me: What would be some good developmental tests for him?
Chris: Giving him a pile of metal, some electrical wires, and a roll of tape. If he builds a mech battle-suit, he wins.
Me: And if he doesn't succeed?
Chris: Then his soul is mine.
Me: Fair enough.
Chris: Either that, or I get to re-name him.
Me: Oooh, that has the potential to REALLY teach him a lesson.
Chris: Right. Because I would name him Tyrannosaurus Quentin Porter.
April 2009
10 posts
Naysayer.
Chris: Scenario: Would you rather own 1 (one) dinosaur, or take a trip to the moon?
Me: Depends on the type of dinosaur I guess.
Me: Dilophosauruses for example, are not desirable.
Chris: What type do you want?
Me: You know, I think I'll just take the trip to the moon, please.
Chris: Damn. You're the third moon-picker.
Me: Well c'mon! A dinosaur? Really?
Me: I don't think you've thought this through. A. Where are you going to keep it? B. What kind of dinosaur? C. How are you possibly going to feed it?
Chris: A. In the backyard. B. An Allosaurus, and C. Goats.
Me: How are you going to pay for the goats? What if the dinosaur gets sick? What if it hurts a guest? This is a huge liability.
Chris: You seem to forget that I can charge people $100 a head to see my Allosaurus.
Me: Well, ok. I'll grant you that.
Chris: I'll make a thousand dollars.
Swine-flu smells your fear.
Chris: There's a yellowish-brown miasma of swine-flu floating around the ceiling, but it hasn't come down yet.
Me: Stay low. If you have to, work from the floor.
Chris: I've ordered Raymond to swat at it with a towel.
Me: No! Don't disturb it! Frak!
Chris: It's formed a rudimentary face and mouth. It's calling itself "Vorgoth."
Me: I...it's too late. I can't do anything for you.
Chris: It's firing intense beams of light from its eyes. It...it vaporized Ray.
Me: Because you told him to hit it with a towel that's why.
Chris: I'm not sad, honestly. It was cool to watch.
Me: I bet, I kind of wish I had been there with my N95 mask on. Did you at least have the mindfulness to whip out your flip cam?
Chris: I was quaking with too much fear.
Me: Swine-flu smells your fear.
Zombies have dry skin too.
Me: My face is itchy.
Chris: Oh! You're becoming a zombie; good job.
Me: I think I just have dry skin or something. It's probably nothing...
Chris: Oh? No desire to eat brain or anything?
Me: Not that I've noticed.
Chris: Keep me informed.
Me: I think you'll know if I come in there and try to eat your face.
Chris: I'll be forced to get out my shotgun.
Me: I'll understand.
Chris: I'll cry as I blow a hole in your chest.
Me: And as I collapse on the floor you'll see a glimmer of "me" in my eyes. This will only make you cry more
Chris: I'll cradle your rotting body in my arms.
Me: At this point one of your comrades will yell at you from a doorway and exclaim that,"You've gotta go! Now!", "Leave him! He's gone!", etc.
Chris: And I'll say, "We don't leave one of our own behind."
Chris: Then I'll sing our song, "I Don't Want No Scrub."
Chris: *tearfully* "Hangin' out tha passenger side of his best friend's ride/Tryin' to holla at me..."
Me: Haha, that's a scene right there.
Chris: So please. Don't be a Zombie.
Chris: The More You Know...™
Me: Right.
*Zing!*
Chris: I'm starting to regret introducing you to my mother.
Me: You didn't, so no worries then?
Chris: Well, you met Julie.
Chris: And that was a softball for a "me and your mom" joke. I gave you an opening, dude.
Me: Maybe I chose not to take it.
Me: Maybe it's called strategery.
Chris: *ahem* I rode my bicycle 10 miles yesterday afternoon.
Chris: *waits*
Me: Your mom rode MY "bicycle" 10 miles yesterday.
Chris: Zing! There it is!
Chris: That's what I like to see!
Chris: Take off your shirt. Do it.
Me: Wait, what?
Local celebrities.
Me: You know how on the bulletin board at Starbucks they have that one picture of that kid with the fish he caught?
Chris: I do.
Me: Well, I had a thought.
Chris: And that is?
Me: If he gets to have his silly little picture up there with no explanation. Who's to say we can't put the picture of us with our corndogs up too?
Chris: Oh! We should. We know people.
Me: We do. And they like us up there. So much that I got my coffee for free today.
Chris: Did you have to fondle anyone?
Me: Negative. They just...gave it to me. I mean, I'm enough of a deviant to accept that kind of offer, but apparently it wasn't necessary.
Chris: Wow. I didn't need to know that.
Clever.
Chris: I see what you did there.
Me: Thank you, I'd hoped it didn't go unnoticed.
Chris: Hey. It's me.
Me: Because I am clever sometimes.
Chris: You are clever 63 percent of the time.
Me: That's not a bad percentage.
Chris: Not at all; it's better than most.
Me: To be too clever would be bad, and a borderline personality flaw.
Chris: It also gains you a shanking.
Me: Also bad.
Weddings and strife.
Me: Haha, girls...they love them some weddings.
Chris: They really do. I've already picked my colors.
Me: And they are?
Chris: Green and dark green.
Me: Sounds ugly, but...it's your wedding.
Chris: Oh? What would you choose? Pink and brown, like every girl, ever?
Me: Negative. Black and white?
Chris: Clear and plain.
Me: I'm more of a traditionalist. Plus I'm color blind.
Chris: No you're not.
Chris: You're not.
Marvin: Ok, but still..you can't argue with black and white. They just look good together.
Chris: They're sorta plain, though. And green is so awesome.
Marvin: Eh...green on green though...that could be horrible.
Chris: Green on dark green.
Marvin: Regardless.
Chris: Maybe "sage" and "pine."
Chris: Besides, you don't even have a girlfriend. You're not allowed to pick colors.
Me: You got me there. I really shouldn't even contemplate a wedding at all.
Chris: You should, however, contemplate dying alone.
Marvin: I don't want to die alone...
Chris: I can let you borrow a cat to die with.
Me: I might just change my lot, you never know.
Chris: You mean....gay?
Me: No, I mean...oh forget it.
Chris: You're gonna "flame on," so to speak?
Me: No. I'm going to seduce your mother.
Chris: Even though you'd be my stepfather, I'd still treat you coldly.
Me: Well, I'd still make snide remarks about what you were doing with your life...and turn your mother against you.
Chris: No. I'm her baby boy. She'd never turn against me.
Chris: If you want, you could ask me, "Still working at the paper?" every time you see me, like my real stepfather.
Me: Yes, but I'll say it with a "tone."
Chris: Then I'll pop you in the nose with a "tone."
Me: Then your mom will start sobbing and yell at you and tell you to, "Get out! Just go!"
Chris: Then I'll scream, "I learned it from watching you, okay?" before storming out.
Me: It'll probably be raining at this point. You'll be walking home in the rain, crying...wishing things were different.
Chris: Then I'll be surrounded by a group of thugs who want my wallet.
Me: At this point you will have had enough...
Chris: And they'll advance on me threateningly before a camera flash blinds them. When our vision clears, Spider-Man will be finishing the last thug off.
Me: Oh, I was hoping you would dispatch them and your career as a crime-fighter would begin.
Chris: Are you kidding? Those work-outs are all for show. I'm delicate.
Bananas is slippy.
Chris: I tried to eat a banana on the way to the gym this morning, but it was a bit overripe. So I chucked it out my window.
Me: I bet someone ran over it and spun out, and then had to get that one guy with the hook to place them back on the track.
Chris: Probably. They're lucky I didn't throw my spiky blue shell.
Tattooed baby.
Chris: Hopefully my newborn nephew will like me. He might be frightened by my aggressive musk.
Me: I think he'll probably just sit there and make whimpering sounds.
Chris: How immature of him.
Me: I know, right?
Chris: He needs an eagle tattoo.
Me: Across his chest no doubt.
Chris: Yep. Where else would it be?
Me: Certainly not on his ankle.
Chris: Or on his tramp-stamp area.
Me: On the bright side, if that were the case, you could ridicule him mercilessly for the duration of his life.
Chris: I likely will anyway.
No, he's that other guy.
Chris: Like Batman, I do not kill.
Me: You might not kill me, but you don't have to save me.
Chris: So true. Like Brian Dennehy in Cocoon.
Me: Or, Sylvester Stallone in that one movie. Where he's a really good rock-climber.
Me: I think it was called, "Climb" or "Hang"
Chris: Cliffhanger.
Me: Definitely not Cliffhanger.
Chris: Daylight.
Me: Mmm...no, that's the one where he's nocturnal.
Chris: Judge Dredd.
Me: No, that's the one where he get's frozen and comes back to life to deal with his childhood.
Chris: Throw Momma From The Train.
Me: Close. But I think you're thinking of, "Stop! Or my mom will shoot!"
Chris: No. I was thinking of "Driven."
Me: You're way off, that's the one where he plays a mentally challenged man who finally gets to fulfill his dream of driving his dad's car around the driveway.
Chris: Maybe it's "The Man With No Face."
Me: Never heard of it.
Chris: That's where everyday people find a way into Stallone's psyche through a hole in an office wall.
Me: I thought that was Con Air.
Chris: No, Con Air is the one where a lookalike is recruited to be President while the real commander in chief is indisposed.
Me: Isn't Harrison Ford in that?
Chris: Close. It's actually Andi MacDowell. But she's in everything.
Me: True.
Me: She was the shape-shifter in X-Men I think. The blue, hot one.
Chris: Yeah. That movie also starred little-known Canadian soap star Jan Reno.
Me: Which one was she?
Chris: The French man with the hook nose.
Chris: He played the cheerleader.
Me: Ah, right. I remember now.
Me: Harrison Ford is also in that...speaking of.
Chris: Yeah. He had that love scene with John Candy.
Me: He's the one with the stripe of blonde hair.
Chris: Yeah! And the tri-butt.
Me: Right.
March 2009
18 posts
Fashion committee.
Chris: Your headline: Council gets progress report from planning committee
Me: Let me try it on.
Chris: *Holds your purse*
Me: *spins around*
Chris: Looks ghey.
Me: I dunno....I kinda like it....
Chris: I don't think the hole cut out for your cleavage is a good choice.
Me: I think it's classy.
Chris: But a hot-pink vinyl belt?
Me: Admittedly, over the top. I was just seeing...
The perfect gift.
Chris: I know what you can get her. And they're free, if you can find them.
Me: Do tell.
Chris: Scorpions.
Me: And then I could kill them and cover them in resin and make paper weights!
Chris: No. Give 'em live.
Me: I don't think she'll appreciate it.
Chris: She's not being very appreciative on this day, anyway.
Me: Sure ain't.
Chris: And you could include instructions, such as "Open this box while holding it upside down over your head."
Me: "Shake vigorously"
Chris: "Loudly exclaim many shortcomings of scorpions' parentage and traits."
Me: Haha
Chris: "Give to babies."
Inferiority complex.
Chris: He's all like (GRUNT!!!). Then he throws his weight down and beats up on the punching bag.
Me: He must have an inferiority complex.
Chris: Or a bag killed his father.
Rosetta Stone: Primate Edition™
Chris: What's the slowest thing you can think of? Because my computer is slower than that.
Me: I was going to say the amount of time it takes for a monkey to learn how to speak English. But really that's just speculation. Monkeys might be terrific at learning languages.
Chris: I don't think that's true.
Me: I don't think so either.
Loyalty.
Chris: Sunsets are lame. The sun's not even going away, the planet's just spinning. I'm tired of Sol getting all the credit when Earth's doing all the work.
Me: Hey...cheer up Debbie Downer.
Chris: No! I won't! Earth rules, the sun drools.
Me: Fine. Go ahead and fester in your negativity.
Chris: The Earth will remember who has been loyal to her.
Salty pistachios.
Chris: Salty pistachios are a bad choice if you've got a cold sore, by the way.
Me: I don't. But you do!
Chris: Yeah, it sucks.
Me: Well, stop getting cold sores.
Chris: I don't know how I got this one.
Me: Retrace your steps.
Chris: Hmm....*screen goes wavy* I was walking out in front of Blue Bonnet Cafe, when I saw an attractive lady in a red dress....
Chris: Then this sore-covered homeless man walked up and stuck his finger in my mouth.
Me: Haha, well no wonder!
Pay it forward.
Me: Why are you proud of me?
Chris: Because I believe in kindness. Pass it on.
Me: Pay It Forward™?
Chris: No, that's syphyllis.
Me: Oh.